Coercive Control: What It Is, the Signs, and What UK Law Says

If you are in danger right now, call 999. If you can't speak, call 999 from a mobile, listen, then press 55 when prompted so the call is put through to the police (IOPC). The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is free and open 24 hours on 0808 2000 247. If someone may be checking your phone or computer, read this on a device they can't see.

What is coercive control?

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour one person uses to dominate another, most often a partner or ex-partner. It is built from many small acts: cutting you off from people, checking your phone, controlling money, putting you down, making rules and punishing you for breaking them. Over time your world shrinks and their approval becomes the thing you organise your life around.

Women's Aid describes it as "an intentional pattern of behaviour which takes place over time", used to gain power over another person (Women's Aid). That is the key word: pattern. One bad night, one jealous comment, one row about money is not coercive control. Months of them, all pointing the same way, can be.

The idea was developed by Evan Stark, whose 2007 book Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life argued that focusing only on physical violence missed what abuse is really for, which is control. Women's Aid notes that Stark compares it to being taken hostage. It is a useful picture, because many people living with it say there is no single moment they can point to. There is just a slow loss of themselves.

Abuse is common and often unseen. The ONS estimates that 3.8 million people aged 16 and over in England and Wales experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2025: 2.2 million women and 1.5 million men (ONS). Anyone can be on the receiving end, in any kind of relationship.

Coercive control signs and examples

The clearest coercive control signs fall into five groups. They overlap, and they often arrive dressed as care: "I just worry about you", "I'm better with money", "your friends don't really get you".

These examples come from lists published by Refuge, Women's Aid and the Crown Prosecution Service, which also includes spyware, controlling what someone wears, and withholding immigration documents.

Some of the most telling signs are inside you rather than in any one thing they do:

• You plan your day around avoiding their mood.
• You rehearse what you'll say before you say it.
• You've stopped seeing people because it isn't worth the fallout.
• You feel you need permission for ordinary things, like buying a coffee.
• You doubt your own memory of what happened. That one often travels with gaslighting.

Coercive control can also begin with an intense, flattering start. A rush of affection that turns into rules is a pattern described in our guide to love bombing.

Coercive control vs ordinary conflict

Every couple argues. The difference is not how loud it gets but where the power sits. Ordinary conflict goes both ways and both people stay free. Coercive control runs one way, and one person ends up afraid of the other's reaction.

If you read the right-hand column and recognise your life, trust that. You don't need bruises for it to count, and you don't need to be certain to ask for help. Long exposure to this pattern often produces trauma bonding: a strong emotional attachment that forms when harm and relief keep coming from the same person.

Coercive control law in the UK

This section is general information, not legal advice. Speak to a solicitor or a specialist service about your own situation.

The UK has three legal systems, and each has its own offence. In England and Wales, controlling or coercive behaviour has been a crime since 29 December 2015. Scotland's offence came into force on 1 April 2019 and Northern Ireland's on 21 February 2022. None of them needs physical violence.

England and Wales: section 76

Under section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015, a person commits an offence if they repeatedly or continuously behave in a controlling or coercive way towards someone they are personally connected to, the behaviour has a serious effect on them, and they know or ought to know it will.

A "serious effect" means either the behaviour made the victim fear violence on at least two occasions, or it caused serious alarm or distress with a substantial adverse effect on their usual day-to-day activities. The CPS gives examples of that effect, such as health getting worse, pulling away from friends, or changing work patterns. The maximum sentence is five years in prison, a fine, or both.

There is a narrow defence if the person believed they were acting in the victim's best interests and the behaviour was reasonable. It is not available where the behaviour made the victim fear violence.

How the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 changed it

When the offence began, it only covered ex-partners and family members if they lived together, so a lot of abuse after a break-up fell outside it. Section 68 of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 removed that living-together requirement from 5 April 2023. The government's factsheet explains that this brought post-separation abuse, and abuse by family members who live apart, inside the offence (gov.uk).

That matters, because control often carries on after someone leaves: harassment through child arrangements, stopping mortgage payments, turning up, monitoring online. The CPS notes the amendment is not retrospective, so it applies to behaviour from that date. The Home Office's statutory guidance for police and agencies was reissued in 2023 to match.

The 2021 Act also gave domestic abuse a wider legal definition, which names controlling or coercive behaviour and economic abuse alongside physical, sexual and emotional abuse, between people aged 16 or over who are personally connected (Domestic Abuse Act 2021, s.1).

Scotland: the Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018

Scotland does it differently. Under section 1 of the Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018, it is an offence to engage in a course of behaviour that is abusive of a partner or ex-partner, where a reasonable person would consider it likely to cause physical or psychological harm, including fear, alarm and distress.

Section 2 spells out abusive behaviour, including behaviour meant to make someone dependent or subordinate, isolate them from friends and family, control or monitor their day-to-day activities, restrict their freedom, or frighten, humiliate, degrade or punish them. The maximum sentence on indictment is 14 years. Unlike the original English law, it has covered ex-partners from the start. The Scottish Government confirmed it came into force on 1 April 2019.

Northern Ireland

Northern Ireland's Domestic Abuse and Civil Proceedings Act (Northern Ireland) 2021 created an offence of engaging in a course of abusive behaviour against someone you are personally connected to. The Department of Justice says it came into force on 21 February 2022 and covers controlling or coercive, psychological, emotional and financial abuse by a partner, ex-partner or close family member (Department of Justice). The maximum sentence on indictment is 14 years.

How to get help safely

Getting help is safer when you plan for who might be watching. Use a phone, tablet or computer the other person can't access, such as a friend's, a work computer or a library. Then call a specialist helpline. They can talk through your options, including staying, leaving and staying safe in the meantime.

Sources: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, Men's Advice Line, Live Fear Free, Scotland's helpline, nidirect, Samaritans.

Safe browsing

Women's Aid's guide to covering your tracks online is worth reading in full. The short version:

• Private or incognito mode stops the browser saving your history on that device, but websites can still see you.
• Clearing your history removes the browser's record, but search engines can keep their own, and wiping everything can also wipe evidence. A specialist can help you decide.
• Shared accounts leak. Family phone plans, linked WhatsApp devices, email forwarding and location sharing can all show someone what you're doing.
• Changes can alert them. Suddenly turning off location sharing or changing passwords may be noticed, so think about timing.

Many support sites, including Refuge's, have a quick exit button that takes you off the page in one click.

Writing things down

A record helps you see the pattern, and it can help later if you decide to go to the police or a solicitor. Note dates, what was said or done, who was there and how it affected you. Keep it somewhere the other person can't reach. If nowhere at home is safe, a trusted friend can hold it, or you can talk it through with a helpline instead.

What Adoree can and can't do here

Adoree is an AI relationship assistant. For someone who isn't sure what they're living with, Adoree can be a private place to say it out loud, by voice or text, and see it in order: what happened on Tuesday, what happened last month, what keeps repeating. Putting words to it can be the first time the pattern becomes visible. Your conversations with Adoree are your own, and a partner who also uses Adoree has a separate private space.

Two honest limits. First, Adoree is only private if your device is. If someone checks your phone, use a safe device or call a helpline instead. Second, where there is abuse, the answer is specialist support, not a better conversation with the person controlling you. Adoree won't suggest you confront them or try to fix it together as a couple. Couples work is for two people who are both free to speak, and that isn't the situation here. Specialist services, and in an emergency the police, are where the real help is.

You can read more about how Adoree works for people in the UK.

What to do if a friend is in it

If you are worried about a friend, the most useful thing you can be is steady. SafeLives' advice is to reach in gently: find a moment alone, ask, listen, believe them, and offer help without pressure (SafeLives).

• Don't push them to leave. Leaving safely takes planning, ideally with a specialist, and the decision has to be theirs.
• Don't confront the partner. It can make things worse for your friend at home.
• Keep the door open. Isolation is the tool, so staying in touch is the counter.
• Share the numbers. 0808 2000 247 is free and open 24 hours. In Wales, Live Fear Free also takes calls from friends and family on 0808 80 10 800.
• Know about Clare's Law. In England and Wales, the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme lets a person, or a relevant third party such as a family member, ask the police whether a partner has a history of abuse (gov.uk).
• Look after yourself. It isn't your job to stop the abuse. It's your job to stay.

If you believe someone is in immediate danger, call 999.

When you're ready to make sense of what you've been living with, at your own pace and on a device that's yours alone, talk to Adoree.