Key takeaways
- Shutting down is usually flooding (overwhelm), not stonewalling to hurt you.
- Chasing a flooded person makes it worse: pressure deepens the shutdown.
- A break with a promise to return is what lets them re-engage.
Shutdown is usually flooding
Gottman's research describes flooding: heart rate spikes, the thinking brain goes offline, and the body's only agenda is to stop the distress. Going quiet or leaving is a physiological brake, not a strategy. It's the same mechanism behind why a partner pulls away: self-protection, not indifference.
Chasing makes it worse
The instinct (follow them, keep talking, demand a response) is exactly what deepens the shutdown, and it locks you both into the pursue-withdraw loop. Pushing a flooded nervous system for engagement is like revving a stalled engine.
Build a re-entry ritual
Agree, ideally in a calm moment, on what a break looks like: “if either of us is flooded, we take twenty minutes and come back. The break isn't us quitting.” The promise to return is what makes space feel safe instead of like abandonment. Then actually reconnect when the time's up.
That's the general answer. Adoree knows yours.
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- Flooding and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/about/research/
- Emotionally Focused Therapy: the pursue-withdraw cycle. ICEEFT (International Centre for Excellence in EFT). https://iceeft.com/
- Relationships: an overview. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/relationships